Tuesday, June 2, 2009

If I'm Not Retreating, Why Am I Moving Backwards?

The illustration rolling around in my head is that of a soldier. Think WWI or WWII. It's probably from the Memorial Day documentaries I watched, but I just can't get this picture out of my mind.

I'm a soldier (a much-used spiritual illustration). Picture me in a trench. Picture me poking my head up above the trench. Picture a sudden onslaught of shots from the enemy, pinning me in place. Perhaps wounding me. Certainly disabling me from being effective in my mission.

Got the picture? Here's what I mean.

Ever since I wrote the One. One. Zero. entry, I have felt absolutely pummeled. I had about three glorious days to bask in what God had done for me, and then the temptations, setbacks, and discouragements began. And it's been bad. I have felt completely under attack, and have discovered how weak so many of my defenses are.

And though I haven't surrendered--though I still battle--I feel as if I'm fighting on a moving sidewalk. One that is moving backward.

And since the victory I declared was a spiritual one, I'm pretty sure that the battle I'm fighting is also a spiritual one. It's like the moment I realized and declared God's work, my head stood taller than the trench's edge, and I became the target.

And it's been hard.

Really hard.

I've failed a lot.

I am really struggling. But I have not surrendered. This is a journey I must complete, because that is what God declared I must do. Therefore, it is a journey I will complete, and I will do so in His strength alone...for I haven't any strength left of my own.

I am in the battle, and I will survive the fray. But I might very well leave with scars. But since Jesus Himself bears scars from the spiritual battle He fought on my behalf, I'm not too upset about that.

But I would like to take a breather from the front lines, if I could.

Under fire, but in His care,

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. --Ephesians 6:10-13, NIV


Beth@playinwiththepaulsens! said...

*sigh* I needed this today. really needed it. thanks.

Anonymous said...

I know this feeling and have been under this "fight" for the last 3 years. I thought about writing more but that is all for now. May you continue to trust the One that brought you to this point!