Monday, November 16, 2009

An Offering to a Good God

I live life on the verge of tears these days.

I am not PMS-y, nor has anyone died, nor has any bad thing happened in my life.

I am just very emotional.

And as crazy as this will seem, I'm pretty sure God's behind this.

I feel keenly that He has 'stirred the waters' in my life, and now I find that I am so. very. intensely, achingly...lonely.

I have, through the years, had moments/periods of struggle with being single, and have laid my life down again and again on His alter. I have learned the act of worship of laying down desires through a cloud of tears. I have said (and confirmed again and again), "Yes," to, "whatever He brings, whenever He brings it."

But God has begun a series of conversations with me that won't allow me to suppress my desire to have an earthly home. In fact, I really believe He has grown that desire. But He has also not opened that door.

He stirred the waters...and then asked me to live with the waves.

And it's hard. So very hard. I can close the door to my heart and deny almost anything. It's a well-worn skill I picked up years ago. (I'm not saying it's good; I'm just saying I can do it.)

But He won't let me deny. The call is to face my aching heart full on...and still say, "Yes, Lord. I offer my heart and all it possesses to You. Again. And I'll do it again tomorrow. Though the pain increases. Ad infinitum."

My God is not cruel. He is good. And He works all things for the good of those who love Him. So--somehow--this process, this pain is good.

I long ago signed on for anything His hand had to offer. ANYthing. Because despite the fact that I deserve na.da, He gives good gifts to His children...and He was pleased to call me as His child.

So I wait. I wait for my God to see, to hear, to answer, to comfort. But just so I'm clear, I know that even the waiting is from His good hand.

Even if it hurts.

Completely His,

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
--Micah 7:7

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

On Being Known

It's been too long, and so much good and so much hard has happened in the interim.  And I'm sorry to say, I just don't have the emotional energy to go there.  So, I eschew the guilt that I feel, muster all the energy I have, and take you to tonight, to something that just happened...

In a Bible study I participated in this evening, they opened by reading this {Go on, read it}:

 1 O LORD, you have searched me 
  and you know me. 

 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; 
  you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; 
  you are familiar with all my ways. 

 4 Before a word is on my tongue 
  you know it completely, O LORD. 

 5 You hem me in—behind and before; 
  you have laid your hand upon me. 

 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
  too lofty for me to attain. 

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? 
  Where can I flee from your presence? 

 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; 
  if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 

 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 
  if I settle on the far side of the sea, 

 10 even there your hand will guide me, 
  your right hand will hold me fast. 

 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me 
  and the light become night around me," 

 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; 
  the night will shine like the day, 
  for darkness is as light to you. 

 13 For you created my inmost being; 
  you knit me together in my mother's womb. 

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
  your works are wonderful, 
  I know that full well. 

 15 My frame was not hidden from you 
  when I was made in the secret place. 
  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 

 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. 
  All the days ordained for me 
  were written in your book 
  before one of them came to be. 

 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! 
  How vast is the sum of them!

Can I tell you something?  These words, these ideas used to freak me out totally.  I didn't want to be found/seen/known that often/much/well.  Never being hidden frightened me.

But tonight, I discovered it was different.  Tonight, I was in tears almost immediately.  As the young woman read these words, I felt known and loved.  And for just a moment, I didn't feel quite so desperately alone.  Alone as in capital A.  As in, not married and left to fend for myself.

I honestly don't go here much, but lately, this has been a harder and harder issue for me.  I just find myself turning to the Lord so often and saying, "I don't have a husband.  Will you be my husband here?  Will you counsel me, instruct me, protect me, provide for me?"

And you know what?  He does.  More and more I have ears to hear it, but He does.  And tonight, when those words were read, I felt known in ways I long to be known and loved in ways I long to be loved.  And though my sin may corrupt my reception or response, His love is absolutely perfect.

And I am grateful.


The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; 
  your love, O LORD, endures forever— 
  do not abandon the works of your hands. --Psalm 138:8, NIV