Monday, November 16, 2009

An Offering to a Good God

I live life on the verge of tears these days.

I am not PMS-y, nor has anyone died, nor has any bad thing happened in my life.

I am just very emotional.

And as crazy as this will seem, I'm pretty sure God's behind this.

I feel keenly that He has 'stirred the waters' in my life, and now I find that I am so. very. intensely, achingly...lonely.

I have, through the years, had moments/periods of struggle with being single, and have laid my life down again and again on His alter. I have learned the act of worship of laying down desires through a cloud of tears. I have said (and confirmed again and again), "Yes," to, "whatever He brings, whenever He brings it."

But God has begun a series of conversations with me that won't allow me to suppress my desire to have an earthly home. In fact, I really believe He has grown that desire. But He has also not opened that door.

He stirred the waters...and then asked me to live with the waves.

And it's hard. So very hard. I can close the door to my heart and deny almost anything. It's a well-worn skill I picked up years ago. (I'm not saying it's good; I'm just saying I can do it.)

But He won't let me deny. The call is to face my aching heart full on...and still say, "Yes, Lord. I offer my heart and all it possesses to You. Again. And I'll do it again tomorrow. Though the pain increases. Ad infinitum."

My God is not cruel. He is good. And He works all things for the good of those who love Him. So--somehow--this process, this pain is good.

I long ago signed on for anything His hand had to offer. ANYthing. Because despite the fact that I deserve na.da, He gives good gifts to His children...and He was pleased to call me as His child.

So I wait. I wait for my God to see, to hear, to answer, to comfort. But just so I'm clear, I know that even the waiting is from His good hand.

Even if it hurts.

Completely His,

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
--Micah 7:7


Jerry said...

Dear niece,

Thanks for being so open and honestly transparent. May God be our treasure beyond treasure.

Suzann said...

I wish I had something wonderfully wise & profound to say, but then again I would just need to say it to myself as well! Somehow, learning to trust & putting it in action is a process I continue to repeat time and again. Perhaps I'll learn my lesson soon enough! :)

Big Man for Jesus said...

Sis, I love you so much and am thankful that your focus is on Him. Don't waiver in your commitment, rather may God be more real through this struggle. May His grace be ever more amazing and His mercy new every morning. Here is a digital 'hug' from your little big bro.

Mommas Soapbox said...

Well said. God's timing is everything. We don't always know what he had planned for us but we do know it is good. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Glad to meet another "sister"

Beth@playinwiththepaulsens! said...

I think I need to have a talk with Him!!! Really, you are such an amazing gem! I don't know WHY he hasn't blessed a man with the companionship of our J, but I aim to find out! *smile*
love you.

Dionna said...

I am so sorry you are feeling lonely. I know that feeling can just be smack in your face especially this time of year. But I also admire your trust in God despite your pain. I don't know what He has in mind for you - but I hope your heart will be filled with peace and joy.