An Offering to a Good God

I live life on the verge of tears these days.

I am not PMS-y, nor has anyone died, nor has any bad thing happened in my life.

I am just very emotional.

And as crazy as this will seem, I'm pretty sure God's behind this.

I feel keenly that He has 'stirred the waters' in my life, and now I find that I am so. very. intensely, achingly...lonely.

I have, through the years, had moments/periods of struggle with being single, and have laid my life down again and again on His alter. I have learned the act of worship of laying down desires through a cloud of tears. I have said (and confirmed again and again), "Yes," to, "whatever He brings, whenever He brings it."

But God has begun a series of conversations with me that won't allow me to suppress my desire to have an earthly home. In fact, I really believe He has grown that desire. But He has also not opened that door.

He stirred the waters...and then asked me to live with the waves.

And it's hard. So very hard. I can close the door to my heart and deny almost anything. It's a well-worn skill I picked up years ago. (I'm not saying it's good; I'm just saying I can do it.)

But He won't let me deny. The call is to face my aching heart full on...and still say, "Yes, Lord. I offer my heart and all it possesses to You. Again. And I'll do it again tomorrow. Though the pain increases. Ad infinitum."

My God is not cruel. He is good. And He works all things for the good of those who love Him. So--somehow--this process, this pain is good.

I long ago signed on for anything His hand had to offer. ANYthing. Because despite the fact that I deserve na.da, He gives good gifts to His children...and He was pleased to call me as His child.

So I wait. I wait for my God to see, to hear, to answer, to comfort. But just so I'm clear, I know that even the waiting is from His good hand.

Even if it hurts.

Completely His,
-J

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
--Micah 7:7

On Being Known

It's been too long, and so much good and so much hard has happened in the interim.  And I'm sorry to say, I just don't have the emotional energy to go there.  So, I eschew the guilt that I feel, muster all the energy I have, and take you to tonight, to something that just happened...

In a Bible study I participated in this evening, they opened by reading this {Go on, read it}:

 1 O LORD, you have searched me 
  and you know me. 

 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; 
  you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; 
  you are familiar with all my ways. 

 4 Before a word is on my tongue 
  you know it completely, O LORD. 

 5 You hem me in—behind and before; 
  you have laid your hand upon me. 

 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
  too lofty for me to attain. 

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? 
  Where can I flee from your presence? 

 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; 
  if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 

 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 
  if I settle on the far side of the sea, 

 10 even there your hand will guide me, 
  your right hand will hold me fast. 

 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me 
  and the light become night around me," 

 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; 
  the night will shine like the day, 
  for darkness is as light to you. 

 13 For you created my inmost being; 
  you knit me together in my mother's womb. 

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
  your works are wonderful, 
  I know that full well. 

 15 My frame was not hidden from you 
  when I was made in the secret place. 
  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 

 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. 
  All the days ordained for me 
  were written in your book 
  before one of them came to be. 

 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! 
  How vast is the sum of them!

Can I tell you something?  These words, these ideas used to freak me out totally.  I didn't want to be found/seen/known that often/much/well.  Never being hidden frightened me.

But tonight, I discovered it was different.  Tonight, I was in tears almost immediately.  As the young woman read these words, I felt known and loved.  And for just a moment, I didn't feel quite so desperately alone.  Alone as in capital A.  As in, not married and left to fend for myself.

I honestly don't go here much, but lately, this has been a harder and harder issue for me.  I just find myself turning to the Lord so often and saying, "I don't have a husband.  Will you be my husband here?  Will you counsel me, instruct me, protect me, provide for me?"

And you know what?  He does.  More and more I have ears to hear it, but He does.  And tonight, when those words were read, I felt known in ways I long to be known and loved in ways I long to be loved.  And though my sin may corrupt my reception or response, His love is absolutely perfect.

And I am grateful.

-J

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; 
  your love, O LORD, endures forever— 
  do not abandon the works of your hands. --Psalm 138:8, NIV

Slippin' and A-slidin'

So many victories have been happening in my life lately.  I've been incredibly humbled to experience so very many moments of Christ-made-evident.

And yet...

Tonight, I looked around and realized that an old area of sin and struggle had snuck up in the midst of the victories and latched its ugly head back on me like the leech that it is.

And I'm at a total loss.  This area--though I can go for very long periods of time without failing--when failed in, produces long periods of 'payback.'  And tonight, it seems too much, too great, once too many a time...

And all I can do is throw myself, again, on the mercy of the Lord, and ask for His grace.  Oh to be fully delivered!  Oh to simply be 'home,' never to succumb to my sinfulness again!

I cannot even express to you how very heavy my heart is tonight.  God forgives freely (and I am forgiven), but as I have learned over many years, He does not always (or even often) remove the consequences of our sins.  And these particular consequences drag on and on.  Oh that He would free and restore me fully!  My heart cries out...

O Lord, save me! (Psalm 116:4)

-J

HERE I AM:

Some became fools through their rebellious ways 
  and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. 
They loathed all food 
  and drew near the gates of death. 
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble...

HERE I HOPE TO BE: 
  ...and he saved them from their distress. 
He sent forth his word and healed them; 
  he rescued them from the grave. 
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love 
  and his wonderful deeds for men. 
Let them sacrifice thank offerings 
  and tell of his works with songs of joy.  --Psalm 107:17-22, NIV

I must tell Jesus all of my trials;

I cannot bear these burdens alone;

In my distress He kindly will help me;

He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!

I cannot bear these burdens alone;

I must tell Jesus!  I must tell Jesus!

Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

(c) 2009

Timings

Today, I realized...

Despite that fact that I so often want God to move *more quickly* in my life, I know that it is His kindness that moves me slowly, for I would break at the speed I wish to obtain.

And despite the many times I wish He would *slow down*, it is His goodness that refuses to let me languish in my natural state.

This is exactly the pace needed to create in me the image of His Son and the holiness to which He calls me.

I serve a GREAT God!

That's what I'm thinking today.

Riding this boat at exactly the right speed,
-J

"But when the TIME had FULLY come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons." --Galatians 4:4-5

"You see, at just the RIGHT TIME, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." --Romans 5:6

(c) 2009

Cursed & Blind vs. Blessed & Verdant

This passage was in my inbox this morning:

⁵ This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

⁶ "He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

⁸ "He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit." --Jeremiah 17:5-8, NIV

Want to trust in man? Check out the results: you will be cursed by the LORD, and so very blinded that even when prosperity comes, you will not be able to see it! It's not that prosperity doesn't come, it's that you are blinded to its presence! Wowser.

Kinda makes the alternative even MORE appealing, doesn't it?

Just my ponderings,
-J

¹ Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
³ He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
⁴ Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
⁶ For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

--Psalm 1, NIV

(c) 2009

Seven Hundred and Thirty Days

As the world gets quiet and I reach the end of my day, I remember this:

Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith. (Hebrews 12:2, KJV)

And I realize this:

He's also the author and finisher of the chapters within the books of our lives.

And He's just concluded one chapter in my book.

And I can hardly breathe at the beauty of the road He has taken me down, at the loveliness of the story He has written into my life.

Tonight, I "made Lifetime" in Weight Watchers.  This milestone means:

**I have lost all the weight I set out to lose and am now at a healthy weight.

and...

**I have maintained that weight (or within +/- 2 pounds of it) for 6 weeks.

God has brought me all the way.  He told me when I started this journey that we would go all the way to the finish line.  He didn't tell me where that line was, or what the journey would look like, or how long it would take, but He told me we would go all the way.

And so we have.  Carried on the wings of His Spirit, I have been brought to the place of health in my relationship to food, in my perspective on exercise, in the actual weight of my body.  He has rooted out sin that fed into these issues.  I have been given a freedom I never imagined.  I am living.

For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; BUT if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will LIVE, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  --Romans 8:13-15, NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.  --Romans 8:1-3, NIV

Sweet liberty...I am free.  What I could not do for myself, Jesus Himself did for me.  This is the love of Jesus Christ made manifest in my life. 

There simply aren't words to convey the depth of my emotion, of my gratitude.

Seven hundred and thirty days.  This journey has taken seven hundred and thirty days.  Two years exactly.  And now, this chapter is closed.

And tomorrow, 9.9.2009, a new one begins.  May it, too, be ever and always,

To the praise of His glorious grace which He has freely given us in the One He loves (Ephesians 1:6, NIV),

-J

To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.  --Revelation 1:5b-6, NIV

Where I Went

Uh...Hi.

Remember me?

I've not been around here much this summer.

What I would like to say is that my two-month absence from blogging was because I bought one of those much-coveted, around-the-world tickets and did a quick tour to check out God's creation & handiwork on each continent.

Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to say that? I'd love to say that...if only it were true.

What's actually accurate is that I ceased blogging by accident. I:

1.) Got very busy at work.

2.) Did some vacation traveling.

3.) Updated my computer, which now won't use the 'paste' function in Internet Explorer...and it turns out I paste into my blog...a LOT. {This and future entries brought to you by Firefox.} I'm not sure why it took over a month for me to think, "Perhaps I should try another browser." I'm kind of a slow thinker sometimes. It's due to a coffee shortage, I think.

4.) I got overwhelmed by how much I had wanted to blog about but hadn't, feeling--as perfectionists are wont to--that I must catch up before moving on. Turns out, this isn't necessarily true. SWEET FREEDOM! :-)

...and the combination of these factors simply meant I didn't get here. And I've missed it. And you've missed it {wink}. I've composed many a pertinent and powerful post in my head over the summer. (The early morning alliteration is free!) But, to revel in the freedom I've discovered from the bondage of #4 above, I'm just gonna move on.

Okay...I might reach back a tiny bit and update you on a couple of things. 'Cause I'm a first-born, and we're all about order. {And tradition. And bossiness. But I digress..} But just a bit.

Okay, how about right now? I'll just give you a teaser: I hit a couple of big milestones in The Journey (code for my weight-loss journey). More on that soon...

Until then, I remain,
Mostly faithfully yours,
-J

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. --I Thessalonians 5:23-24, NIV

{Bye Now!}


(c) 2009