It's been too long, and so much good and so much hard has happened in the interim. And I'm sorry to say, I just don't have the emotional energy to go there. So, I eschew the guilt that I feel, muster all the energy I have, and take you to tonight, to something that just happened...
In a Bible study I participated in this evening, they opened by reading this {Go on, read it}:
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Can I tell you something? These words, these ideas used to freak me out totally. I didn't want to be found/seen/known that often/much/well. Never being hidden frightened me.
But tonight, I discovered it was different. Tonight, I was in tears almost immediately. As the young woman read these words, I felt known and loved. And for just a moment, I didn't feel quite so desperately alone. Alone as in capital A. As in, not married and left to fend for myself.
I honestly don't go here much, but lately, this has been a harder and harder issue for me. I just find myself turning to the Lord so often and saying, "I don't have a husband. Will you be my husband here? Will you counsel me, instruct me, protect me, provide for me?"
And you know what? He does. More and more I have ears to hear it, but He does. And tonight, when those words were read, I felt known in ways I long to be known and loved in ways I long to be loved. And though my sin may corrupt my reception or response, His love is absolutely perfect.
And I am grateful.
-J
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands. --Psalm 138:8, NIV
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3 comments:
this was such a neat post. thanks for sharing from you heart. that passage is so amazing! it calmed my heart in such an awesome way....
great post. I love the "knit" word in that passage for some reason.
I wondered aloud a few days ago, why wouldn't the Creator marry someone while here? Why wouldn't the Creator, who took on the body with all its muscles, liquids and desires want to experience it all? Maybe He was our example of keeping Himself pure and alone? And of the 12 clueless, three seemed close friends---and He took such pains to restore even the close friend who betrayed Him after.
As I have been pondering the same things lately, God has brought Psalm 100 to mind, and I've been reading it daily to remind me that His love is unfailing & His faithfulness endures forever!
Love,
-S
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