Wowser. Ever just feel like you're looking at yourself from the outside--very third-party-ish--and not like what you see? UGH. That's how it's been for me recently. And when I see me from the outside, I don't really like what I see. For example...
--When did I become such a complainer? I can't STAND complaining! Yet lately, I hear myself twisting even perfectly fine situations into something to complain about. Yuck.
--Why must I be so negative? Why must there be a down side to everything? A downside I feel the need to express audibly? I used to be a "here's the blessing in this" kinda gal.
--What's up with the irritated voice I now seem to possess very frequently? I hear myself speaking, and even to me, I sound irritated. Yet, I don't generally feel that level of irritation.
And all I can think is that I must be really hard to be around lately. And I don't know why I am being this way. It seems very distant, as if that's not even me speaking or my emotions flowing out. Yet your actions pretty much do reflect what's going on inside you.
And I don't like that one bit.
All I know is that this isn't Jesus. This is the ugly, old, full-of-sin-nature me. And I don't like that me. And since I know that that isn't who I now have to be, I'm going to seek out some answers in the only place I can get really good ones on topics of this sort:
And I'm hoping to report to you an attitude adjustment to you really soon. 'Cause I don't think I can live with the me that is emanating from my lips for much longer. And I don't think you should have to, either.
Looking for loveliness,
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
--Psalm 51:6-7, 9-10, NIV