Restless

I am finding it hard to find words that will express what I'm feeling. I think the one that sums it up best is restless.

Restless.

Anxious...but not exactly.

Sad, but not fully.

Longing.

Ready.

Overwhelmed.

Underwhelmed.

Bored.

Itchy.

Restless.

....................................

I don't even know how to express this. I am hesitant to even try to express this.

And I am frightened to feel this. I have long practiced being content and managing my emotions, and have pretty well managed to keep these under control for the vast majority of my adult life. But now...

But now, I can no longer calm myself. My Lord can, but the times of calm grow shorter and shorter.

And I'm not sure if I should feel calm or restless...or both.

I do not lack peace. I have peace. I do not lack direction; I am walking in His ways.

But it's as if something, something is to happen / should be happening / is late happening.

Right now, I'm physically itchy/twitchy.

I have felt this way in some measure for months, perhaps six months or more. But over the past week it has grown and grown.

The emotions are so strong in me that I want to weep right now. I do not know 'why' or 'how' or 'what'. I do not know what is wisdom and what is foolishness...and I long for relief.

I have never encountered anything like this inside of me, and I pretty much don't like it. It's like when you were a kid, and tomorrow was the first day of camp...but the night never ends and the feeling never gets to abate. And after awhile, that anticipation is just not fun anymore. You just want to engage what you are looking forward to. You just want to demand that the morning come.

*sigh*

I've always been able to beat down the waves of my emotions and return to smooth sailing in pretty quick measure. But this time, it seems more like a tsunami than a wave, more like one giant wave that keeps coming and coming, ever rising with a quiet and unrelenting force.

And even as all this energy cruises through me, it exhausts me...but not so much that the feeling subsides.

Oh God, what would you have me do? Is this of Your purposes or my distraction? I both want and hate this, embrace and reject this.

Be merciful to me, O God. Remember that I am but dust. O Lord, save me, or I will be washed away with the tide.

Buoyantly His,

-J

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah. --Psalm 46:1-3, NIV

Unedited

I realized today that I've created a problem for myself. I edit.

Now, in truth I do a lot of editing as part of my profession, and I actually enjoy that. But that's not what I'm referring to. I'm talking about my time here at (Always) In Development.

I started blogging as a place to just express myself and sort my thoughts. And I've done a lot of that. I blog to remember and I blog so I can get it out of my system and forget.

But today--and not for the first time in recent months--I felt a sort of sadness that I wanted to explore here...and I found myself choosing to not. I edited.

Why? Because I fear that people may take me to be at a different place than I am if I post too many blogs which are sad or 'negative' or on the same topic. It's happened.

But editing puts me in a place I don't want to be. It means that I'm writing my blog as a (slightly misrepresented) message to 'someone' instead of just truthfully--and often quite fully--putting my thoughts out there.

And this means, that I just end up not processing these things...and not posting.

So, I've got a lot of thoughts going on inside of me now--some sad, all normal--and I'm just going to have to stop the editing. 'Cause I need to sort and process here more than I need to worry about what others think of my mental health.

But just in case you are a worrier...I'm fine. I'm pretty much always fine. Seriously. I just need a place to process the things that are hard to verbalize, and knowing I have an audience means I sort my thoughts better.

So thank you. For letting me just be honest at any given moment. For knowing that if I'm sad for 3 entries in a row, that I'm really fine, I'm just dumping my sad (/hard/bad/irritated/etc.) feelings here so I can move on with life. And mostly, thanks for reading and caring. You are kinder to me than I deserve.

I'll be back soon...

Unedited.

-J

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. --I Corinthians 4:1-2

A Guest Blogger for Ten Things for Tuesday

I've tried to wrap my brain--and yours--around the changes God has brought about in my life over the past 2-1/2 years, and I've often not been successful. But then this weekend, my best friend asked if she could write my "Ten Things for Tuesday" blog entry...on the subject of the 'new me.' Intrigued, I agreed...and have been forbidden from editing or commenting further. SO, please allow my to introduce my best friend T and her...

10 “New” Things for Tuesday

Guest blogger here. Writing 10 NEW things for Tuesday. No - not because it’s a new list or a new blogger. But because it’s a new J and a new range of normal each week it seems. So I’m sharing.

It’s a quick blog and won’t be the best writing you read here (or my best period). But that’s not the point. The point is that when you silently ask “who are you?” of your best friend enough times in a week or two, those things beg to be blogged. And this fact hit me again this weekend.

J may not share these things, think to share these things, or even recognize to share these things. But as I kept running across this stranger in my yard, I had to post. And I get to brag on my friend in the process.

Examples?

#1. She’s helped with yard work at least 3 times in the past several weeks. And she volunteered.

Important background: her first words when deciding if she would rent from me were, “I don’t do yard work.” And I have repeatedly been reminded that this is why she rents, not owns. Now... it’s still volunteer so renting remains favorable because she can also NOT volunteer :) . But she did AND enjoyed herself. The last part is what scared me. Of course, she’s also now a little possessive of the arbor, but that’s another blog.

#2. She gets edgy when inactive. This is humourous and fun to watch .. and also annoying and disturbing. Sometimes I think I’m sharing a house with myself. Do I have to pay my mortgage twice?

#3. Saturday she woke up late. She went out anyway without showering. Ok, so she’s probably done that before. Not often, mind you. Not often at all. Maybe - maybe - in an emergency. In the dark. And ok, a few other times. But again, those who know, know this is an oddity. But that’s not the official newness. When she finished her 4-mile trail walk, she was still willing to drop by an event where she would be seen by people she knew and worked with ... without primping. THAT’S the newness. Seriously. No hairbrush. No make-up drill in the car. No panic, no delays, no having to be talking into it. She just added a hat ... Oh wait...

#4. She has a hat she can throw on and go, if needed. Or even if not needed.

#5. She has gear. Real gear. Like the hat.

It’s not a ball cap. It’s an athletic-y hat from the women’s section, but it’s a GREAT hat and is perfect for her. She may sweat and be active and be ok with that, but she’s still J. With J style and fashion after all. Can I get a picture here? It’s a great hat even when not active.

#6. On a different topic - she now scares me with her random disclosures of new things she’d like to try. Many of which I had been warned-off and discouraged from doing by same person. Hmmm.

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OK - break in the list here. Those are true and great examples, but some things don’t fall into a category. Like this one. She’ll hurt me for it but it came about from an unexpected comment and it’s so perfectly relevant it has to be shared.

#7. I’m not the only one who can smell “earthy” at the end of a Saturday now. Gross, I know - but had to be shared. Those who know her well know what I mean. No midday showers if active work to be done.

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I’m almost done but I have to separate the next two because the first is one of the items that prompted this list. These don’t happen all the time, mind you, so don’t get any false impressions of how much we actually get to eyeball each other. This was an unusual and blessed weekend and I’m ecstatic for it. And in the midst of it came some of the inspiration for the guest blog:

#8. I had the joy of watching a movie on a laptop outside in the sun the other day. On a blanket on the grass with my friend. And it wasn’t my idea.

#9. I walked on the trails Saturday morning looking for Easter eggs. And again it wasn’t my idea. Yeah - I had planned to go anyway, but SHE mentioned it to ME. So you get two for one here: she’s outside and liking it, and she initiated. I had to include the two together.

#10. She knows who Clark Kellogg is, how to pronounce Krzyzewski, and puts selection Sunday on her calendar early each year. On her own.

OK, so #10 has nothing to do with the fact that she lost weight, but still how cool is that?

#11. Am I allowed an 11 for a Ten Things list? Of course I am. Ten words: she has a garden and she mixed manure for it.

Now - lest you close friends, and esp family, start feeling an intervention is necessary before you lose her completely ... she still scoffed at the smell, ran from the wasps, and has a few other funny stories to tell. She’s still very much your sister, daughter, and friend you know and love.

And she still won’t bungee. But neither will I. Not cuz of fear, but because I’m close to old and if you separate my spine from my hip bone for a brief second at the bottom of the drop, it may not merge back together like it once would have. It saddens me to admit that in public. Maybe I’m changing too ... I just hope mine is as productive as J’s.

--T

Blessings (and thanks to my friend),

-J

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. --Proverbs 17:17

Note to My Chinese-Character Commenter...

Dear Commenter,

I wish I could read your {presumably kind} words, but I don't know Chinese. Any chance you could post in English?

Thanks for visiting!

And blessings,

-J