Now, in truth I do a lot of editing as part of my profession, and I actually enjoy that. But that's not what I'm referring to. I'm talking about my time here at (Always) In Development.
I started blogging as a place to just express myself and sort my thoughts. And I've done a lot of that. I blog to remember and I blog so I can get it out of my system and forget.
But today--and not for the first time in recent months--I felt a sort of sadness that I wanted to explore here...and I found myself choosing to not. I edited.
Why? Because I fear that people may take me to be at a different place than I am if I post too many blogs which are sad or 'negative' or on the same topic. It's happened.
But editing puts me in a place I don't want to be. It means that I'm writing my blog as a (slightly misrepresented) message to 'someone' instead of just truthfully--and often quite fully--putting my thoughts out there.
And this means, that I just end up not processing these things...and not posting.
So, I've got a lot of thoughts going on inside of me now--some sad, all normal--and I'm just going to have to stop the editing. 'Cause I need to sort and process here more than I need to worry about what others think of my mental health.
But just in case you are a worrier...I'm fine. I'm pretty much always fine. Seriously. I just need a place to process the things that are hard to verbalize, and knowing I have an audience means I sort my thoughts better.
So thank you. For letting me just be honest at any given moment. For knowing that if I'm sad for 3 entries in a row, that I'm really fine, I'm just dumping my sad (/hard/bad/irritated/etc.) feelings here so I can move on with life. And mostly, thanks for reading and caring. You are kinder to me than I deserve.
I'll be back soon...
Unedited.
-J
Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. --I Corinthians 4:1-2
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4 comments:
dumping is good, and somehow putting it down on paper on on the blog seems to take away its power over me...
some of the psalms look like dumping blog posts, eh? lots of dumping at the beginning with the unplugging and turning to Him who is the answer
isn't blogging just a bizarre thing!?!?! it's me, it's not me, it part of me not all of me, at all....it's open, it's real, it's fake, it's social, it's just bizarre.
it's different for all of us! at different times it is different for each of us.
lu.
Here's to living authentically. "Sad" posts remind me to pray for you, and what's better than that? :)
Joyce - that's a great way of putting it ... "takes away its power over me." I have often wondered about those who will read my journals when I'm gone and how whacked they'll think I was because I tend to only write when I need to process - and usually the negative things. And like J, I have found myself editing. Silly, silly.
Similarly, one thing I've really thought about a lot the last year or so is how my best friend often hears more of the negative in my life than the positive. Even something as simple as the things that frustrate me on my phone tho I really like my phone. That's because I'm more inclined to pick up the phone and talk through a negative thought than to share the really positive thought that just crossed my brain. Why? I don't know but apparently like the journal, it's a natural tendency. yet unlike the journal, I'm working to change that! I don't want to be that way relationally.
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