Sunday, May 9, 2010

Weeping for a Night (Psalm 30)

Today has been hard.

I hate that today has been hard.

Today has been REALLY hard.

I really hate that.

I feel weak and wussie (sp?) and lame.

But it doesn't change the fact the today--Mother's Day, the day after my dear friend got married--has been hard.

Sometimes it is for me, and sometimes it isn't. And was filled with ache and tears and regret.

And wishing that none of these things were true of me.

Every conversation, by phone or in person, every Facebook post, every email has required great emotional preparation and stamina.

I hate that, too.

I want to apologize. To you. To God. But I'm not sure I've done wrong, nor that I could do differently.

I'm not ungrateful. I'm VERY grateful. And I'm generally full of hope and joie de vivre.

But somehow, today, I'm just overwhelmed with emotion. Longing. Longing not to long. Wondering what I'm actually longing for. Truly unclear on what I would actually want. Wishing it would all go away.

So many tears. So many stupid tears.

I'm putting today to bed, and I will not enter this week burdened by these emotions. But, O God, could you sort out/clear out my heart? I'm ready to be done. My heart is yours...for whatever is to the praise of your glorious grace.

Tears and all.


I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption. --Psalm 130:5-7, NIV

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. --Psalm 27:13, NIV


Big Man for Jesus said...

I love you, sis, and your honesty with the Lord. I will pray that God will strengthen your heart, encourage your soul, and give outlet to your tears. May you feel His love in new way, a new reality, a new embrace. He cares about those tears so I will pray that you can continue to give them to the Lord daily. I love you and am sending a huge hug.

Suzann said...

Love you! Praying for you!

Rachel said...

My heart tugged at me for you all day Sunday, sometimes you just know your sister is having a hard day and I wish some how to make it better. I'm so glad that you know how much God loves you and how you almost always see the good in your life. It's okay to cry about the what if's of the past and the what if's of the future. Like I said to you on the phone mother's day is hard for so many people for so many reasons good and bad. I think God got an earful to day, so glad we serve a God who can handle it all. Love always-R