I am not okay.
If you haven't figured it out by now, much of what I write here is just me processing, often real-time. I'm sorting my thoughts and--frightening though this may be--letting you 'listen' in. Today will be one of those days.
First, let me start by telling you that I had a doctor's appointment this morning, one that I found I was a tiny bit anxious about. Anxious isn't the exact right word, but I can't find the right word now. I was something. Much as it was last year at this time. And it was for the same reason. This appointment was a follow-up to last year's.
So, prayerful--and something--I went. And I was fine, emotionally. I even got some good news! Something I have been concerned about for more than three years was finally clarified and shown to be normal! (Ironically, this thing is the reason I went in in the first place last year, but when other issues surfaced, this took a back burner.)
I'm not sure what I was expecting from this appointment, but I can tell you it wasn't this: "I am concerned about what they found last year. You must continue to come in for this test every year to follow up on it."
The follow-up is because what they saw can sometimes be or become cancer. The big C. A life-long fear for me, as it took my grandmother before I had the chance to know her.
Now, to be fair, what I have wouldn't become that kind of cancer. "Not the kind that kills people," he said. But still...
So now, my brain is fuzzy, my mood subdued. I can tell that my mind is trying to suss it all out [suss: Southernese for to sort, to dig out, to discover]. But it's like I can't even access the process in my mind. It's just going on, without meta cognition.
I'm not unaware of God's sovereignty or His sustaining grace. In fact, I'm very aware of it right now. But my head is just running, sorting, thinking, and occasionally breaking into spontaneous prayer. And I feel like an observer to my own mind's processes.
And I'm ready for it to settle, to come to peace. I'm ready to let all this emotion out, and be done, and rest in the knowledge that between yesterday and today, between last year and this, nothing has changed. My God hasn't erased and revised the number of my days written in His book. His plan hasn't been thwarted. His throne hasn't been overthrown. I know that...I'm just waiting for it to resettle into my heart.
Wrestling toward rest,
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. --Psalm 139:15-18, NIV