Empty, Darkness...Then God Spoke...

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

"Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

"And God said..."

So I've been miserable for a while now...running.  I knew I was running.  I knew I was running from God.

But I didn't know why.

I knew my heart didn't want to hear His voice or seek His face.  But for the life of me, I couldn't discern what the problem was.

It was starting to show in my life, to spill over into other areas.  And I couldn't seem to solve it.

So last night, I finally just said to the Lord, "Examine me, Lord.  Show me what wickedness my heart is embracing."

I was afraid.

But I was also tired of living with a broken fellowship.  Especially when I couldn't figure out why I was behaving this way.

A few minutes later, the quiet answer came--Forgiveness.

And I knew immediately who, and for what.  And that the debt I felt that person owed me was owed only to God Himself.  I had put myself in His place.

And I was ashamed.

If God could forgive this person for violating His nature, who was I to carry on this grudge?  Am I more righteous than God?

And then, this verse tumbled back into my mind, one of the very first ones I ever understood on my own: For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  (Matthew 6:14-15)

I sin too much to remove myself from God's forgiving grace.  I had to forgive this person.

But by then, I wanted to.  I know that I am not more righteous than God; who was I to exact such punishment?

And finally, there was rest.  The wickedness my heart had been embracing had been revealed by the searching eye of His Spirit, and I was given the freedom to do what was right.

And so, finally, I slept.  I am at peace.  And my Lord is no longer the wrong pole of a magnet to my heart.

And I am grateful.

-J

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.  --Psalm 23:3, NIV