It's Tuesday, and I'm Back!

In the interest of clarity, I'm gonna add a tad to yesterday's post. I think I didn't strike quite the right tone in my post yesterday, so...

I'm not despairing, just sorting. I am actively working on learning and growing through this process, and sometimes that means that I just have moments where I am really hanging out there emotionally. Thus, Friday's note (in blue in yesterday's post).

And I know that this journey has been for a reason, and frankly isn't over yet. God has me headed somewhere...I'm just impatient to get to the destination. :-)

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That said, how about another edition of Ten Things for Tuesday? Let's play a little Life Catch-Up, shall we?

1. Just discovered http://www.pandora.com/ . If you haven't heard of this, it's a great website. Just plug in the name of an artist or song you love, and the program will create a (ad-free!) 'radio' station for you based on that style. And you can mix several stations so you don't get bored. Right now, I'm listening to my Sarah Vaughan station, though I started the day on a Baroque station. I'm going to switch to a Big Band/Swing station shortly. I'm lovin' this! :-)

2. Finally getting my office organized. I should throw an open house once I do, as I don't think it's been fully in order since I moved in. Most recently, it became a storage/dumping area for everything I didn't know what to do with. Saturday, I com.plete.ly emptied it, except for some books on a wall shelf--it took 2-1/2 hours just to empty it!--cleaned it, and added an area rug. Then I put all the furniture back in, in a whole new arrangement. Love it! Can't wait to get it up and running! It's not a 'cute' room, but it will be functional...and I love functional.

3. Ooooh! Diana Krall just came on. I love Diana Krall. Wishin' I had those kinda skills. ;-) They're also playing Carmen McRae, and Lena Horne, Billy Holiday, Ella, Nat...all my favs! Yea for Pandora!

4. Today I learned how to clear a series of hyperlinks from an Excel spreadsheet without deleting the data. I know, I know. You, too, wish you could lead this charmed life.

5. I am totally addicted to caffeine again. I know I should go off of it, but the last three months have been too challenging to manage without a little help. The Diet Dr. Pepper craze I'm on is probably financing the company through these challenging financial times.

6. I don't think I've had the strength to share about some of the family concerns we've been facing this summer. #1: One of my sisters is severely handicapped, mentally and physically, from a brain tumor she had as a 6-month-old. (But seein' how she was supposed to be dead by her first birthday, and how she will turn 29 in December, we're all pretty happy.) Anyway, this sister started a series of not-breathing episodes about a month ago. She's had a dozen or so times where she just stopped breathing and slumped over or had serious trouble breathing, and no one has been able to figure out why...Until about 10 days ago, when they finally confirmed that the battery in her vagal nerve stimulator (does for the brain what a pacemaker does for the heart) was going wacko. They replaced the battery yesterday, and all appears fine so far. But we've spent 5+ weeks wondering if the next time she stopped breathing they would be able to bring her back to us.

7. Family concern #2: My mom. Things are settling down a bit now, but we're not out of the woods, nor may we ever be. Here's the post I started on July 1, but just couldn't bring myself to finish:
I usually really love to blog, to share where I am in life and what God is teaching me. But I have to admit, that SO much is going on in my life and in my head, that right now, it just makes me tired to think about sharing all of it. I just keep waiting for all the dust storms to settle so I'll know where I stand, but the pressure continues and the portents of change keep flowing into my life... I'll be able to share more in the coming weeks, but not today.

However, there is one area that I feel I should update you all on, and that is my mother. Ten or eleven days ago, I asked you to please pray for her. Well, the ground under our feet keeps shifting, but here is where we stand now:

My mother has Interstitial Lung Disease. It is a serious, permanent condition which involves scarring and nodules in the lungs. She has been having trouble breathing for some time now, and trouble sleeping too...which is a problem considering she keeps needing more and more sleep to make it through the day. If you've ever met my mother, you'll understand how serious her condition is when I share that this woman who cannot stop moving is requiring 1-2 naps per day in addition to many hours of sleep at night.

The initial biopsies revealed no cancer, but honestly, what they did reveal may be worse than cancer. Mom has Interstitial Pneumonia, regular and chronic. Don't look this up. What you will read is ugly and disheartening, defined by terms such as "deadly" and "life-expectancy." I cannot believe that I am typing those words in connection with my mother.

I think you can see why I couldn't finish. My mom's doctors haven't come up with the stuff my accidental google did (Don't ask how I could accidentally come up with that; just trust that I didn't mean to.), so we don't know exactly what her prognosis is. And right now, I'm okay with that. She is responding to treatment, but it is not a cure. It just suppresses the symptoms for now. And I'll just take that for now too, if you please.

8. I think numbers 6 & 7 may put the emotions and struggles I've shared about this summer into a little more perspective. My mom, my sister, the job-thing...and there is more, but I'm just not free to share all of it. It's been a tough summer. :-} But it hasn't been a bad summer. Hard and bad aren't the same thing. In fact, I don't recall ever pressing into find the heart and face of God more than I have this summer. And that, I know with certainty, is good.

9. I'm such a woman out of time. I'm listening to all this 40s, 50s, & early 60s music and thinking how I was so born in the wrong era. (With the obvious caveat of God knew what He was doing and all...) I love the music, the clothes, the dances, the manners...I'm a really old woman in a young-ish body!

10. Well I'm actually in pretty good spirits now. I should probably wrap up my lunch break shortly. Thanks for hanging with me, first through my silence, then through my emo, and now through far too many words.

May your day be filled with quiet whispers of His love.
Firmly in His grip,
-J

P.S. As I'm closing, Fred Astaire just came on singing The Way You Look Tonight. Sing it to me, Fred... MmmmmHmmmm.... ;-)

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness....Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
--Colossians 2:6-7; 3:1-2

(c) 2008

Outcomes

I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' Lamentations 3:24

Thank you, my dear friends, for sharing your journeys with me last week. [Or rather, three weeks ago. I started this on July 22. Sorry about the late posting.] Your insight, sympathy, and prayers really did make a difference.

The decision was made, but it wasn't a simple smooth landing. And once I made my decision, others had to respond to it, leaving it all up in the air...for so long. Ugh. Let's see what I can clear this up, at least a little.

After two months of 'process,' I was offered what I once described as my dream job. A job I would love to do, at a place I already know in substantial part. But I wasn't able to take the job due to a salient point that simply would not work itself out. And getting to that conclusion was the longest, most drawn out process in my life to date.

And God made sure it was a little bit of an extra challenge, when He shifted slightly the manner in which He directed me. That's where this question came from. God has always directed me through a profound peace in the deepest place in my heart. But in this scenario, He would neither give me peace nor let me release it...and it took me (quite) awhile to figure out that there was another option.

When I finally figured out what my response should be to the offer, I really believed that in some miraculous way, God would open the door. And it would have taken a miracle to bring it all together.

But He didn't. And I freely admit to being stymied. I don't fully understand this process yet. That doesn't throw me too badly; I've lived long enough to know that the lessons aren't usually learned in the process but in the reflections after-the-fact. But I am anxious to understand where I've landed. Why did God do all that hard work in me, opening my heart to a different place and position, and then say, "No"? Or at least, "Not now"? It has thrown me more than I anticipated, more, perhaps, than I know how to deal with smoothly. Why do I say this? Well...I wrote this post last Friday (8/1):
Today, I feel so alone.

It's hard to put words to it. There has been so much swirling in my life and around my life for months now. There is much that I cannot share here. But the effect has been to leave me feeling sad, empty, and alone. Feeling like my life is adrift, without value... I understand that these things aren't true, but I still feel that way.

Sometimes I feel friendless, homeless, helpless...naked and unsure... See, I told you that it was hard to put words to it.

Sometimes, I long for adventure, love, purpose. And in the mundane routine of life as is, these things seem ethereal, and distant.

In moments like these, I know that I stand at a crossroads. I could focus on these feelings and walk down a road of self-indulgent pity, or I could put my big girl panties on, turn toward the truth of my life, and live. And I almost without fail turn toward the truth.

But it haunts me that I find snatches of truth in what I am turning my back on too, and that I know I will find myself back here again at some point...

*sigh*

I don't know where I am or where I'm headed. I just needed to put this down and begin to process these thoughts, 'cause I don't like feeling adrift and awash. It's time to figure this out...
-J

The conclusion of the matter remains to be seen. Even what God has started has yet to be fully revealed. What I know is this: I am on a journey, one He is directing. I am not lost, even if I feel rudderless. I am reminded of the disciples on the Sea of Galilee when the storm came up and they were certain they were gonna die...while Jesus slept in their very boat. I can't imagine all the scenarios that ran through their heads (or all the friends they may have lost in that very way). What I know is that Jesus was directing their destiny--whether that be by life or by death--even as the storm raged. As one whom He has confirmed as His own by the presence of His Holy Spirit, I can adamantly state that He still directs my boat through the storm. And I refuse to entertain thoughts (lies) to the contrary.

But you might have to give me a little latitude for processing. I suspect that this process may dig deep into me, and those kinds of refinements require, well, a lot of processing. He's never started me on a journey that He didn't finish. I'm just looking forward to seeing where we land.

At peace in His plan,
-J

Others went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunken men;
they were at their wits' end.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.
Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
and praise him in the council of the elders.
--Psalm 107:23-32, NIV

(c) 2008

A Me Meme - One Word Says It All

P.S. I scheduled this post yesterday, but the really important one for today is below it, so be sure to check that out too, k? Thanks!

Sarah at Life in the Parsonage tagged EVERYONE with this meme a couple of weeks ago, and I keep meaning to do it... so now is the time! The rules? All of the answers must be just one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Your significant other? Unidentified

3. Your hair? Self-willed

4. Your mother? Prayerful

5. Your father? Wise

6. Your favorite thing? Variety

7. Your dream last night? Redirecting

8. Your favorite drink? Water!

9. Your dream/goal? Glorification

10. The room you’re in? Office

11. Your church? Warm

12. Your fear? Mis-aiming

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Unknown

14. Where were you last night? Home

15. What you’re not? Empty

16. Muffins? Thunder-thighs?

17. One of your wish list items? Redemption

18. Where you grew up? Midwest

19. The last thing you did? Typed

20. What are you wearing? SMALLER!

21. Your TV? Off

22. Your pets? Non-existent

23. Your computer? Dead

24. Your life? Jesus

25. Your mood? Hopeful

26. Missing someone? Always

27. Your car? Given

28. Something you’re not wearing? Pantyhose

29. Favorite store? Free

30. Your summer? Eventful

31. Like (love) someone? Nope

32. Your favorite color? Red

33. Last time you laughed? Moments

34. Last time you cried? Earlier

35. Who will re post this? None

Any takers?
-J

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in EVERY good deed and WORD. -2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

How do you know?

I have a decision to make. A tough one. A really tough one. And I just don't know what God would will.

The good people in my life have offered many suggestions as to how to hear the voice of God. So I thought maybe I would post it here: How do you recognize God's leading? How do you know you're keeping in step with His Spirit, especially in the hard decisions?

But reply quickly. I must make my decision very soon.

Thanks,
-J

P.S. I have a pretty clear understanding of how God speaks into my life--and will share that in a follow-up post--but since I am currently stymied on this one, I thought I'd throw this one out for your insight!

Ten Things for Tuesday: Small Graces

There was a vocalist I ran across in college when he opened for a Michael Card concert, and though I don't remember hearing him on local stations and such, I sure loved him. His name was Bob Bennett, and though I haven't followed his career in recent years, I've never run across anything by him that I didn't love. His acoustic guitar is accessible and his words are real. (And it turns out that he's still around. Check out some of his music at his website.)

Anyway, the title track off his 1997 album was one of my favorites: Small Graces. It speaks of seeing God in every facet of our lives, even the small graces. So my Ten Things for Tuesday is focused on that, the small graces...which, frankly, are rather huge when you get down to it. :-)

1. Instant, immediate access to the one who knows me best and loves me more
2. The knowledge of the Holy One
3. The moments He embeds in our minds (i.e., the memories)
4. The doors He opens
5. The doors He closes
6. The way He speaks so quietly into the chaos of my heart
7. His assurance...and reassurance :-)
8. The way He draws me close, and then blesses me for being there
9. The pleasure of His presence
10. The unspeakable, indescribable peace that He gives

Hmmmm...can you tell where my mind/heart is today? It's funny how you don't always know these things until you go to write them down, huh?

May you find the 'small [read: giant] graces' in your life today. And may they simply reek of HIM! :-)

Blessed beyond measure,
-J

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. --James 4:7-10

*Sigh*

Dear Friends,
Life has been exceedingly challenging for me these past few weeks, and thus my absence. I am in the crucible, so to speak. And it's not a bad place to be, this place of refining, but it is hard.

And since too much has been going on, it has simply been too much to write about. I can barely live it! *laugh* But today, even as the fire grows ever hotter, the Lord brought this sweet old hymn to memory. I hope you know it, and I hope it blesses you even as it did me.

Day By Day**
Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Give unto each day what He deems best;
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Ev'ry day the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure,
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As your days, your strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in ev'ry tribulation,
So to trust Your promises, O Lord;
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Your holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Standing in His mercy; awaiting His grace,
-J

But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
My feet have closely followed his steps;
I have kept to his way without turning aside.
I have not departed from the commands of his lips;
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.
-Job 23:8-10

** Words by Lina Sandell Berg, 1832-1903; Music by Oscar Ahnfelt, 1813-1882

Brain Fodder

Here's a quote I heard this week:

It is not enough that we do our best. Sometimes we have to do what is required. -Winston Churchill

Whatcha think?
-J