Lights, Lag Time, Learning, and Life as a Six-year-old

Have you tried those new energy-saving lights? You know, the ones that come on veeeerry, veeeeeeeeery slowly?

These are the bane of my existence. I have to turn the lights on a full 60 seconds before I actually hope to see anything! I like lights that as soon as the switch is flicked--BAM--come on! I know technically there is time between the switch being hit and the light coming on, but the differential is one this pea-brain can hardly measure. I like those lights. :-)

And you know what? I think this illustrates the struggle I've been wrestling with these many months. The problem is this:

Lag time.

I think lag time is the issue we struggle with.

Okay, maaaybe I'm being too general. I think lag time is the thing *I'm* struggling with.

As part of the thorough preparation I have done for this (and, of course, every post) (*wink*), I thought I would look up the actual definition of lag time. What I found made me laugh out loud:

( ′lag ′tīm ) (electricity) The time between the application of current and rupture of the circuit within the detonator.

WELL. Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Lag time is the time in the middle, between when the button is pushed and something happens as a result of the button being pushed--like an explosion...or a light coming on.

Yep. That's it exactly. It's the time in the middle that's bothering me. The time between when the fuse is lit and the fireworks go off. How long can a fuse be, anyway? The time between when God-the-Driver says, "This is where we're going," and when the car actually starts toward/arrives at its destination. It feels too long.

And I find myself in whiny mode, wanting to ask, "Are we there yet?!"

How is it that I can so quickly become a 6-year-old in this car trip we call life?

*Sigh*

In church, we've been studying through the book of Acts. We've arrived at the part when Paul's life has taken a crisp downturn, humanly speaking. He's imprisoned for years, without justification and without 'due process.' But juuuuusst as this whole thing begins, while he is still imprisoned in Jerusalem, Jesus appears to him:

The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, "Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome." (Acts 23:11)

Note:

* The Lord stood near. Paul is comforted with the presence of the Lord.

* The Lord speaks encouragement. Paul is comforted by the living words of the Lord.

* The Lord lays out the plan. Paul is assured that he is not going to be killed yet. And better, his heart's desire (to preach in Rome) is about to be fulfilled.

Now, I don't know what Paul was thinking, but *I* would be thinking: Okay, the show's about to start. Let's GO!

But (and I hope I'm not spoiling the story for you) the show doesn't get started. Paul spends years imprisoned before he ever even embarks on his journey to Rome. And that journey is fraught with danger and suffering.

But you know what? Paul's job was to walk in the promises God had already given him. God didn't show up every night to tell Paul about the journey. Just once.

Only once.

But Paul trusted his Lord's words, and was faithful every day to those once-spoken words.

Um...the self-application is pretty obvious. Okay, well, God's spirit nailed me with it last Sunday, so NOW it's really obvious. I need to trust that God will complete His plan for me...even when it's been a long time since He said, "This is where we are going." A long, long time.

And this week, do you know what I saw? From prison (probably from Rome), Paul writes this:

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (Philippians 4:11)

Learned. He learned to be content. Content in whatever.

Where did he learn it?

In the lag time.

So lag time is God's personal development program. Sometimes Scripture refers to this as "the fullness of time." As in, Jesus came in the fullness of time. And, Jesus will return in the fullness of time. When the time is perfect, and all the pieces are in place.

His promises will be fulfilled to the 'iota.' But first, first we must go through the lag time. And we must learn. *I* must learn.

Growing up in the lag time,

-J

P.S. In the same epistle, Paul wrote:

*Rejoice in the Lord always.

*I will say it again: Rejoice!

*Let your gentleness be evident to all.

*The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

*And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

*Finally, brothers and sisters,

--whatever is true,

--whatever is noble,

--whatever is right,

--whatever is pure,

--whatever is lovely,

--whatever is admirable

--if anything is excellent

--or praiseworthy

think about such things.

*Whatever you

--have learned

--or received

--or heard from me,

--or seen in me

put it into practice.

*And the God of peace will be with you.

--Philippians 4:4-9

Sure of What I Hope For/Certain of What I Do Not See

Let Thy Goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee...

Familiar? This line from one of the latter verses of the hymn Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing has been sung as a fervent prayer by me many, many a-time. And, over the past several years, the attribute of God which has been most brought home to me is... His goodness. His absolute, undeniable, unquenchable, all-encompassing, every-life-invading goodness.

And recently, as we sang this song in a worship service, I realized that my prayer had been answered with a resounding, "Yes!" You see, it is the goodness of the Lord that causes me not to despair. Life may be ugly sometimes, awful sometimes, achingly painful sometimes, and most times completely unlike what we thought or wished it to be. But God's goodness is what keeps me hanging on.

So when, as I asserted in my last post, I am in 'backwoods Sinai,' please don't let that mislead you to thinking that I despair. In fact, I am anything but despairing. I wrestle, I struggle, I press in to hear His purposes and to see my Savior's hand. And I seek to understand because I know God HAS a purpose.

And His purpose is GOOD, because HE is GOOD!

So, with that in mind, I thought I'd share with you some of God's good purposes--at least the ones I have eyes now to see--from over these years in backwoods Sinai. This sojourn so far has been almost a dozen years. Life went from full-speed-ahead to go-directly-to-Sinai-do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 in about a millisecond. Or so. But the monotony of this place has taught me...

*I've learned what it is to hurt emotionally in ways I cannot pass over nor can I solve. And I've learned what it means to survive on His strength alone.

*I've learned to walk under the heavy burden of long-term physical pain. And, I've seen my Savior miraculously, instantly heal me--Praise His Name!

*I've learned not just to wait, but to wait on the Lord. 'Them's' two different beasts, I can assure you.

*I've had God call my bluff--when I didn't even know I was bluffing--and lived to tell about it. And even enjoy the journey beyond it...without ever understanding the "why" of it.

*I've learned what a spiritual battle looks like...and how to lose. And blessedly, also how to win.

*I've had my perspective on the Church, on Ministry, on Grace & Mercy, and on myself completely and utterly re-written. In very, very necessary and good ways.

*I've learned that when I'm banging on heaven's gates, begging God to, "Do something," He often is, just in ways I cannot see.

*I've seen God take places where I was shackled by sin and doubt and fear and set me free. In entirety. In ways that others had to acknowledge, to His glory!

*I've been disciplined for my lack of faithfulness...and then given another chance to serve Him.

*I've discovered the joy of offering God my pain in worship. There is a beauty in that offering that is unmatched by any other, I think. Worship through tears--to the praise of His glorious grace.

*I've learned to increasingly "entrust myself to Him who judges justly."

*I've discovered what a complete "patootie" (Southernese for one's hindquarters) I have been at points in my life (and possibly today), and thus, I have discovered how MUCH grace has been granted to me by friends and family. (I thank you all!) And more so, by my Savior.

*I've fallen in love with Jesus. I was His a long, long, long time before that was true. But praise His Name, it's true now!

*I've been deeply wounded by the Body of Christ, and in His grace, I've been healed so deeply that I can again love Her without reservation.

*I've begun to truly discover that I am utterly, every-fiber loved by a Holy God. THAT will change you!

So despite the disconcertion of my previous post, my Good God has had Good purposes in this, the 'stalled out' portion of my journey. I just wanted you to know that I knew that.

And you know what? I believe so much in His Goodness and His Good purposes, that I really do believe the best is yet to come. So I choose to wait on Him. For 'the fullness of time' never came when the story's characters thought it should, but it always came when the Master of time had perfectly planned for it to do so.

God teaches us in ways that are perfect for each of us. Some people learn best through the rigors of daily life, some through fiery trials. Some must have a thorn in the flesh, some prosperity. I, apparently, need long periods of monotony. Long, looooooong periods of monotony. ;o) But if that's the only way I can look more like Jesus at the end of this thing, may the monotony never end. (But just for the record, I'm hoping there are other ways, too.)

Hopeful at Sinai,

-J

P.S. How about you? What do you 'have eyes to see' of God's work in your journey?

The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? ...Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. ...I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. --Psalm 27:1, 3-5, 13-14, NIV

1. Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise His Name I'm fixed upon it
Name of God's redeeming love.

2. Hither to thy love has blessed me
Thou has brought me to this place
And I know thy hand will bring me
Safely home by thy good grace
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Bought me with His precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.
--original: 18th century Methodist pastor & hymnist Robert Robinson

--this version: E. Margaret Clarkson, 1973

Destination: "Backwoods Sinai"

Blogging is an emotional act for me, and though the intervening months have been filled with many good things & experiences, emotionally, I am very raw. So raw, that blogging has felt more like pouring alcohol on a cut than a cathartic experience.

But last night, I think I understood something new, something related to my emotional state. And it is something worth blogging.

I have struggled for at least a year with something I've called 'stirred waters', a longing for what I don't have that feels more awakened from the outside than from the inside. And I often--and increasingly--see my life as just being frittered away, wasted, empty of meaning. I'm not one given to self-reflection or moroseness, which makes these intertwined perceptions all the more troubling.

So I've begun to ponder: why would I feel my life is wasted, wanting? Obviously, I have some kind of unmet expectation. But what?

I grew up believing my life would just be poured out for Jesus, willingly given in the hard places doing the hard things for the glory of my great Savior. I said, "Yes," early and I wanted it badly. Later, I realized that I expected (just by the nature of life's progressions) to marry, to have children. Since I'm not the meta-cognitive type, I never really thought about how these would mix.

But apparently, I reached an unrealized expectation in the midst of these thoughts. Both ministry and marriage were good, but I could see how one might exclude the other. That was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Use me up, Lord, either in the crazy extreme ministry I long for, or in the sacrificial offering to the future that a family is. But use me up.

And last night, as I realized that this was my expectation, it became clear to me why I was so haunted now. Because now--in the life I live today--I have neither. I am neither being used up in ministry, nor am I pouring myself out into the lives of a spouse and children.

I am simply sitting in "backwoods Sinai."

Moses spent so much of his life waiting, yet having already been told He was THE one to deliver Israel (see Acts 7:25). Forty years seems like a long time to be in such a place as backwoods Sinai, especially for someone coming from palatial Egypt.

But there was a reason he was there. We tend to jump to the spiritual reason: he was there to be humbled. While true, and while that was a huge success (see Numbers 12:3), it isn't the reason I was thinking of. He was there because he was a fugitive, a murderer. He had done something to place him there.

So last night, I found myself asking the ungracious and unflattering question: What did I do? Why have I been sentenced to backwoods Sinai?

Knowing this story, and feeling paralleled to it, I should feel hopeful. I mean, in the fullness of time, God showed him His glory (and he lived!). He powerfully and perfectly used this man to do things which had never been done before (or since!). And talk about a man 'poured out'!

But the truth is, right now, I just feel the grime of the dust and the monotony of the thankless shepherding. It doesn't feel preparatory; it feels stagnant.

I know the truths and the platitudes.

*God's plans for us are good, and perfect, and loving.

*And I know that in God's economy, nothing is wasted.

*I know that my feelings aren't always true reflectors of reality.

*I know I don't have to understand, that I don't even have a right to understand.

*I know, I know, I know.

But I'm still sitting in backwoods Sinai. I'm tired and bored and grimy.

And I don't know why I'm here.

In a few minutes or days, I'll relax into the place of trust in my Savior's perfect plan. After all, my life is His, and if He wants to play it out in backwoods Sinai for the rest of my days, it is His right to do so. As a servant, I have no claim on how my days are spent. And His goodness causes me not to despair. His love gives us so much more than we ever, ever, ever deserve.

But today, I find myself with empty hands in a squalid place spinning my wheels. And I don't understand.

Just speaking this moment's truth,

-J

"O LORD, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the LORD, the spring of living water. Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. They keep saying to me, 'Where is the word of the LORD? Let it now be fulfilled!' I have not run away from being your shepherd; you know I have not desired the day of despair. What passes my lips is open before you. Do not be a terror to me; you are my refuge in the day of disaster." --Jeremiah 17:13-17