So, On to the Assigned Task: Building My Faith

So, if building faith is one of the purposes of this 'lag time,' and if remembering God's provision is one the the things that will build my faith, then I'd better get to it! And here's one that just popped right up.

A few days ago as I was posting here, I found myself reading back through some of my posts from earlier in the year. I was relieved to find that they did not sound nearly as whiny as I had feared. But that's an aside. :-) Here's what I noted:

In my April 30 entry, I tried to describe the emotional state which had been building in me for months, this overwhelming sense of restlessness/anticipation/anxiety/longing which I could neither dismiss nor fulfill. And a greater part of the challenge was that I felt that it was God who had stirred (and continues to stir) the waters of my heart. At that time, I didn't know how to respond to the challenge. (Actually, I am only just figuring out how to do that.) I signed off of that note in this way:

Oh God, what would you have me do? Is this of Your purposes or my distraction? I both want and hate this, embrace and reject this. Be merciful to me, O God. Remember that I am but dust. O Lord, save me, or I will be washed away with the tide.

And do you know what I realized a few days ago when I reread this? He did. He did remember that I was but dust, and in His mercy, He reduced my emotions to a level I could manage, and has kept them there. This may seem small-ish, but it wouldn't if you had been in my head when I wrote those lines. I was not even remotely exaggerating or kidding. I was desperate!

So I am reminded that even in this, my 'stirred waters' journey, His ears are attuned to my voice, and His mercy is renewed toward me again.

I'm liking this assignment. Remembering. Recalling. Rehearsing the good my good God has done in my life. I'm encouraged already.

I'll leave you with an idea presented (almost in passing, but boy did it grab me) in our worship service this morning:

To stay when God says, "Stay," is an act of worship.

We so often think of going & doing as worship...at least I do. But my overall struggle stems from God's command a few years back from me not to go to the mission field as I desired & planned to do. This quote is a beautiful reminder that obedience--in whatever way--is worship.

May I always be a worshipper of One so very worthy.

To the praise of His glorious grace (& mercy!),
-J

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story...Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the LORD. --Psalm 107:1, 2a, 43, NIV

Wow! Maybe I've Stumbled onto Something...

So, this morning, when I opened Facebook, I discovered that one of my alma maters, Columbia International University, had posted a link to one of their professor's blogs. And guess what this series of entries was about?

...How times of waiting are calls to walk by FAITH!

Weird? More likely, providential. In a separate, opening article (on this concept as it relates to leadership), he defines waiting as living in the gaps:
...in reality most of my life is in the gaps between God’s promise and the answer. Much of my leadership has been seeking clarity on what to do while we are waiting on something else — that God seems to be delaying.

So, if most of my life is lived in the gaps (as it certainly FEELS like I am doing), what do I do with this most-time? How do I live here? In the first article he asserts:

The Christian life is filled with waiting. Sometimes waiting feels like standing in a long, slow moving checkout aisle at the store. At other times, waiting is more like desperately clinging to the floating scraps of broken wood after the ship has gone down. And then there are those moments when waiting is like a young child on Christmas Eve; not being able to sleep from the excitement of what might be under the tree in the morning...How do we wait? We wait in faith.

In the second article, he asserts that what we do in times of waiting is remember God's past provision and anticipate his future gifts:

Remembering and Anticipating are spiritual disciplines that grow our heart’s capacity to respond to God in faith and hope. [My note: previously, he has stated that these--faith, hope, and also love--are God's goal for us.]

Also, and this was the humdinger for me:

A good definition of the Christian life could be – it is a waiting life punctuated by samples of God letting us taste what will be.

Yes! That's what I feel. Lots of waiting, punctuated by moments where God displays His brilliant glory and self. (My struggle is just that I'm ready to get on to the 'display' part!)

And isn't that what we see in Scripture anyway? Those moments we all desire our lives to mimic were just that--moments! Think about it--most of 'our heroes' lives were spent waiting too. (Go ahead: pick a hero, and then read the back story. You'll see.)

From the third article:

Waiting is standing in a space where we look back to mountains God has led us over in the past and where we can see mountain tops in front of us that make our necks sore from looking up. Waiting is the flat plain in between. Waiting is that boring walk through miles of endless open terrain where there are very few identifiable land marks to give us clear bearings...In the plain of waiting it is easy to feel lost, unsafe, exposed, uncertain, and then doubt shows up and asks to walk with you.

This is how I feel--lost, unsafe, exposed, & uncertain--and probably for this exact reason. Doubt does show up. Which is why faith is the only response that works.

And though this isn't exactly the point of his third article, it spawned this thought:

God waited first.

God offered all of Himself and His perfect provision to me...and then He waited for me.

He waited for me.

He waits for me.

What kind of love is this?

Amazing love, oh what sacrifice

The Son of God, given for me?

My debt He pays, and my death He dies

That I might live. That I might live!

(I hope you know this Bebo Norman song)

Loved beyond imagination,

-J

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. --2 Peter 3:8-9

A Postscript for the Theologians of the Group: I know God chose me before I chose Him. Please see my point and understand that I'm not breaking down the theology here. More on that later, perhaps. :-)

It's Tougher Than I Expected...

So, I still wrestle. And I would be ashamed to admit how often tears are my companion these days. But in the midst of my pondering, I see this:

The emptying that God has done in my life is a call. That call is to faith.

The Michael Card lyrics come to mind:

To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That’s what faith must be.

When my hands, heart, head, and planner are all empty, then faith is the response He calls me to.
That He will lead.
That I am not forgotten.
That there is more.
That faithfulness today is enough.

Funny. Somehow I thought faith would be easier. This might just be the biggest mountain I've had to climb. I don't doubt my God's greatness or goodness, or love, or mercy. But I think I've doubted His timing. I've doubted the plan He has mapped for me. I've not rested, but rather have wrestled in the place He has put me. And the only answer I can come up with is...

Faith.

It doesn't stop the pain, or the tears, or wipe away the emptiness. But it does tell me what I should do. I must walk...by faith.

Weaker than I thought, confident in my Caller,
-J

For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. --2 Corinthians 5:7-9, NIV

Destination: "Backwoods Sinai"

Blogging is an emotional act for me, and though the intervening months have been filled with many good things & experiences, emotionally, I am very raw. So raw, that blogging has felt more like pouring alcohol on a cut than a cathartic experience.

But last night, I think I understood something new, something related to my emotional state. And it is something worth blogging.

I have struggled for at least a year with something I've called 'stirred waters', a longing for what I don't have that feels more awakened from the outside than from the inside. And I often--and increasingly--see my life as just being frittered away, wasted, empty of meaning. I'm not one given to self-reflection or moroseness, which makes these intertwined perceptions all the more troubling.

So I've begun to ponder: why would I feel my life is wasted, wanting? Obviously, I have some kind of unmet expectation. But what?

I grew up believing my life would just be poured out for Jesus, willingly given in the hard places doing the hard things for the glory of my great Savior. I said, "Yes," early and I wanted it badly. Later, I realized that I expected (just by the nature of life's progressions) to marry, to have children. Since I'm not the meta-cognitive type, I never really thought about how these would mix.

But apparently, I reached an unrealized expectation in the midst of these thoughts. Both ministry and marriage were good, but I could see how one might exclude the other. That was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Use me up, Lord, either in the crazy extreme ministry I long for, or in the sacrificial offering to the future that a family is. But use me up.

And last night, as I realized that this was my expectation, it became clear to me why I was so haunted now. Because now--in the life I live today--I have neither. I am neither being used up in ministry, nor am I pouring myself out into the lives of a spouse and children.

I am simply sitting in "backwoods Sinai."

Moses spent so much of his life waiting, yet having already been told He was THE one to deliver Israel (see Acts 7:25). Forty years seems like a long time to be in such a place as backwoods Sinai, especially for someone coming from palatial Egypt.

But there was a reason he was there. We tend to jump to the spiritual reason: he was there to be humbled. While true, and while that was a huge success (see Numbers 12:3), it isn't the reason I was thinking of. He was there because he was a fugitive, a murderer. He had done something to place him there.

So last night, I found myself asking the ungracious and unflattering question: What did I do? Why have I been sentenced to backwoods Sinai?

Knowing this story, and feeling paralleled to it, I should feel hopeful. I mean, in the fullness of time, God showed him His glory (and he lived!). He powerfully and perfectly used this man to do things which had never been done before (or since!). And talk about a man 'poured out'!

But the truth is, right now, I just feel the grime of the dust and the monotony of the thankless shepherding. It doesn't feel preparatory; it feels stagnant.

I know the truths and the platitudes.

*God's plans for us are good, and perfect, and loving.

*And I know that in God's economy, nothing is wasted.

*I know that my feelings aren't always true reflectors of reality.

*I know I don't have to understand, that I don't even have a right to understand.

*I know, I know, I know.

But I'm still sitting in backwoods Sinai. I'm tired and bored and grimy.

And I don't know why I'm here.

In a few minutes or days, I'll relax into the place of trust in my Savior's perfect plan. After all, my life is His, and if He wants to play it out in backwoods Sinai for the rest of my days, it is His right to do so. As a servant, I have no claim on how my days are spent. And His goodness causes me not to despair. His love gives us so much more than we ever, ever, ever deserve.

But today, I find myself with empty hands in a squalid place spinning my wheels. And I don't understand.

Just speaking this moment's truth,

-J

"O LORD, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the LORD, the spring of living water. Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. They keep saying to me, 'Where is the word of the LORD? Let it now be fulfilled!' I have not run away from being your shepherd; you know I have not desired the day of despair. What passes my lips is open before you. Do not be a terror to me; you are my refuge in the day of disaster." --Jeremiah 17:13-17

Weeping for a Night (Psalm 30)

Today has been hard.

I hate that today has been hard.

Today has been REALLY hard.

I really hate that.

I feel weak and wussie (sp?) and lame.

But it doesn't change the fact the today--Mother's Day, the day after my dear friend got married--has been hard.

Sometimes it is for me, and sometimes it isn't. And today...today was filled with ache and tears and regret.

And wishing that none of these things were true of me.

Every conversation, by phone or in person, every Facebook post, every email has required great emotional preparation and stamina.

I hate that, too.

I want to apologize. To you. To God. But I'm not sure I've done wrong, nor that I could do differently.

I'm not ungrateful. I'm VERY grateful. And I'm generally full of hope and joie de vivre.

But somehow, today, I'm just overwhelmed with emotion. Longing. Longing not to long. Wondering what I'm actually longing for. Truly unclear on what I would actually want. Wishing it would all go away.

So many tears. So many stupid tears.

I'm putting today to bed, and I will not enter this week burdened by these emotions. But, O God, could you sort out/clear out my heart? I'm ready to be done. My heart is yours...for whatever is to the praise of your glorious grace.

Tears and all.

-J

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption. --Psalm 130:5-7, NIV

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. --Psalm 27:13, NIV

Restless

I am finding it hard to find words that will express what I'm feeling. I think the one that sums it up best is restless.

Restless.

Anxious...but not exactly.

Sad, but not fully.

Longing.

Ready.

Overwhelmed.

Underwhelmed.

Bored.

Itchy.

Restless.

....................................

I don't even know how to express this. I am hesitant to even try to express this.

And I am frightened to feel this. I have long practiced being content and managing my emotions, and have pretty well managed to keep these under control for the vast majority of my adult life. But now...

But now, I can no longer calm myself. My Lord can, but the times of calm grow shorter and shorter.

And I'm not sure if I should feel calm or restless...or both.

I do not lack peace. I have peace. I do not lack direction; I am walking in His ways.

But it's as if something, something is to happen / should be happening / is late happening.

Right now, I'm physically itchy/twitchy.

I have felt this way in some measure for months, perhaps six months or more. But over the past week it has grown and grown.

The emotions are so strong in me that I want to weep right now. I do not know 'why' or 'how' or 'what'. I do not know what is wisdom and what is foolishness...and I long for relief.

I have never encountered anything like this inside of me, and I pretty much don't like it. It's like when you were a kid, and tomorrow was the first day of camp...but the night never ends and the feeling never gets to abate. And after awhile, that anticipation is just not fun anymore. You just want to engage what you are looking forward to. You just want to demand that the morning come.

*sigh*

I've always been able to beat down the waves of my emotions and return to smooth sailing in pretty quick measure. But this time, it seems more like a tsunami than a wave, more like one giant wave that keeps coming and coming, ever rising with a quiet and unrelenting force.

And even as all this energy cruises through me, it exhausts me...but not so much that the feeling subsides.

Oh God, what would you have me do? Is this of Your purposes or my distraction? I both want and hate this, embrace and reject this.

Be merciful to me, O God. Remember that I am but dust. O Lord, save me, or I will be washed away with the tide.

Buoyantly His,

-J

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah. --Psalm 46:1-3, NIV

I'm Con-be-fuzzled

Wow. I've posted a couple of times recently on the struggles I've been having with being single. Well here's an irony for you.

This evening during a phone conversation, a friend of mine said something about me wanting to be married. And--are you ready for this?--everything in my heart welled up and said...

"No, I don't!"

Talk about a woman who doesn't even know her own mind.

I suppose one could not want to be single and not want to be married...but that doesn't really leave you many options, now does it?

Or, perhaps I'm just vacillating. That is probably more likely.

Whichever it is, clearly I'm con-be-fuzzled.

Might just be as nuts as I sound,
-J

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. --Psalm 139:23, NIV

Catching Up and Bearing Up

Well, I've been absent mostly because I've been struggling. Deep, wrestling struggling. The kind your own mind doesn't even recognize fully, so you're certainly not able to express it to anyone else. And frankly, it's pretty much consumed most of my spare energy. However, a few things worth noting have happened over the past few weeks:

1. My sister and her family returned from their 'far-out' service to our Savior...however, I haven't gotten to see them yet. I live a long way away from their 'home base' so I was the lone family member who didn't get to meet them at the airport. (Let's just say there were some tears involved in my evening that day...) But fair warning: I wouldn't stand between me and then come January when we all get together!! :-) Three and one-half years is a really long time...

2. For breast cancer awareness month (October), I decided to, just for kicks, get a biopsy done. My third one. And then, when everything on the biopsy was fine, I decided--again, just for kicks--to bleed internally and end up with one of the largest hematomas they'd ever seen following a biopsy of this type. Cool, no? And then (yep, there's more), I decided to not heal properly, so I keep having to go back and visit those fine folks. It's been a bundle of laughs. (Or, it's nerve-wracking every.single.time. One or the other.)

3. My mother had a major back surgery, which went well...until she caught a VERY serious staph infection and had to have a second major surgery, was placed on isolation, and given antibiotic transfusions twice a DAY. For six weeks. That poor woman has seen more health problems than most anyone I know, and she still keeps upbeat. (Which is why I had to type #2 first, 'cause my problems pale significantly in the light of hers.)

4. I shared the full testimony of my (weight-loss) Journey at a ladies event at my church. It was wonderful and amazing to see God's story impact others! It was exhausting to walk through that process. It has been exceedingly difficult to stand under the onslaught that Satan unleashed against me both before and since.

5. The lower level of my house took on some water...pretty much just in my bedroom, my office, and my closet. The cause is fixed and almost no actual damage was done (and I am GRATEFUL!), but only two out of the three spaces have been cleaned and reorganized. The mammoth job of cleaning up my office still awaits me. It may end up being a 2010 project at this point... :-) Although, crawling over the pile at the door does give me some exercise...

6. I've been a-workin'. The Christmas season is one of our busiest seasons at work (I work for a worship & arts ministry in a local church), and we added a big-name concert the week before Thanksgiving. 'Cause we thought we had lots o' spare time, apparently. Ahhhh.....!

7. I ate too much over Thanksgiving. Let's just say that the peanut butter fudge (oh mercy) and Chex mix and sweet potato casserole (which, I must say, I finally PERFECTED!) and 'lightened-up' pumpkin pie were just a tad too tempting for me. Or, more accurately, I gladly surrendered my long-term goals to short-term pleasures. However, I believe I am back on track. (Good thing, too, 'cause apparently you can cause a lot of damage in a short period of time. Ugh.)

But quietly, the biggest thing has been those 'stirred waters' I referenced last entry. God has only amplified these emotions and required of me to look deeply here.

And would it be wrong to say, I don't understand?

I'm not really one to need to understand God's ways. Me=pea-brain; God=God. I get that...and rarely question.

But I really felt I was content in the life God had given me...and I'm not quite sure why He has allowed--and perhaps even caused--it to become so much harder for me to be content.

...But I still choose Him. And I still choose to wage the battle to be content, though it seems to grow harder by the day.

Because no matter how challenging things get, this is my 'reasonable worship', no?

And because no matter how I feel, He IS good.

Still worshipping,
And still His,
-J

Oh, and P.S. You're awfully glad I wrote this today and not yesterday. Let's just say...I was kinda emotional about all this yesterday. You're welcome. :-D

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. --Romans 12:1, KJV

I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young[-ish]. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust--there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. --Lamentations 3:24-32, NIV

An Offering to a Good God

I live life on the verge of tears these days.

I am not PMS-y, nor has anyone died, nor has any bad thing happened in my life.

I am just very emotional.

And as crazy as this will seem, I'm pretty sure God's behind this.

I feel keenly that He has 'stirred the waters' in my life, and now I find that I am so. very. intensely, achingly...lonely.

I have, through the years, had moments/periods of struggle with being single, and have laid my life down again and again on His alter. I have learned the act of worship of laying down desires through a cloud of tears. I have said (and confirmed again and again), "Yes," to, "whatever He brings, whenever He brings it."

But God has begun a series of conversations with me that won't allow me to suppress my desire to have an earthly home. In fact, I really believe He has grown that desire. But He has also not opened that door.

He stirred the waters...and then asked me to live with the waves.

And it's hard. So very hard. I can close the door to my heart and deny almost anything. It's a well-worn skill I picked up years ago. (I'm not saying it's good; I'm just saying I can do it.)

But He won't let me deny. The call is to face my aching heart full on...and still say, "Yes, Lord. I offer my heart and all it possesses to You. Again. And I'll do it again tomorrow. Though the pain increases. Ad infinitum."

My God is not cruel. He is good. And He works all things for the good of those who love Him. So--somehow--this process, this pain is good.

I long ago signed on for anything His hand had to offer. ANYthing. Because despite the fact that I deserve na.da, He gives good gifts to His children...and He was pleased to call me as His child.

So I wait. I wait for my God to see, to hear, to answer, to comfort. But just so I'm clear, I know that even the waiting is from His good hand.

Even if it hurts.

Completely His,
-J

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
--Micah 7:7