Lousy Moods, Ugly Heart

I hate lousy moods. I hate it when they seem to take over my day. And I really hate knowing that I actually have control over it, but I'm just not willing to put forth the effort to curtail my ugliness.

So, I bet you can guess how my day is going. (I know I've been gone awhile, and I'll try to catch up soon, but this is where I am right now.) I feel irritable and angry and sad and mad all at the same time.

I dumped my cereal in my lap on the way to work (don't...I've already been told that that's what I get for eating in my car). I was substantially late before that happened and turning around and going back to find a new outfit didn't really help with that condition.

At work, I got a phone call that, though I had specifically asked the parties who should know (the bank), that the paperwork that it took me over a week to get signed was signed by the wrong person. The right person is not available, and, oh, I know you've got a deadline, but I'm going on vacation so if we don't fix it now, it'll be a week or more...

These things do not make for a happy day, but the worst thing is this: I know that these things aren't why I am so unhappy. I know that it is because I have been choosing self over Savior and entertainment over relationship for the past week or more. And right now, what I'm really struggling with is that I want both. I want what I want and I want to be in right relationship with my God. And if my heart were right and not selfish, maybe I could have both things. But today I must make a choice. I put off making choices I don't like. It's a lousy mechanism for life, but it is my natural fall-back.

A popular quote around my church is, "We must preach the gospel to ourselves daily." It took me a while to unpack this one, but I think that this is where I've gone awry this week. I tend to--and probably always will until I receive my new body--forget Who and why I serve if I don't rehearse these things to myself regularly. I haven't preached the gospel to myself in quite some time now, and wow, does it show. (And to my roomie, I am really sorry, 'cause I know it shows most at home.)

So I guess now is the moment of truth. Do I repent of my sin, or continue to engage it? The reader is probably thinking I have reached some wonderful (and obvious) conclusion here. But the truth is...a few words later, I still want both.

There is real ugliness inside us, even after Christ. I hate that this is true. I hate that I am still capable of such nastiness, such selfishness. Right now, I really long for heaven, for perfection, for my heart to no longer wrestle with what will, in that place, seem so ridiculously petty that I'll be embarrassed for it. Maranatha means something like, "Come quickly, Lord." And so I beg...
Maranatha.

-J

(c) 2007